Adult Friendships

I touched last time on the complexities of friendships in general. As an adult, however, the nuances and dance to maintain friendships can feel even more overwhelming. Friendships and the connections that come from them are so important in maintaining good mental health. To my mind we need connection as much as we need food, shelter and water. We don’t have to go back too far in history – 2020, covid pandemic times to see examples of the devastation caused by being isolated and unable to connect to loved ones. I am still working with the after effects of that period in the therapy room today with many clients.

So, in a life that can already feel packed full and stretched how do we make space to nurture those friendships we value and let go of those ones that just aren’t serving us well?

Honesty

Be honest and open with both ourselves and our friends about how busy life can get. We all have periods in life where it is just not possible to meet up quite as much as perhaps, we would like. Small gestures, a text, voice note, five-minute chat to maintain the consistency. Recognsiing that it takes two. If you are always the one to reach out perhaps it is time to reassess.

Imperfections

There is no such thing as a perfect friend. Bold statement but true nonetheless. If we can accept that our friends aren’t perfect and (this is the tough bit) also accept that we aren’t either life feels a lot simpler. No one friend can meet all of our emotional needs so let go of that expectation. The friendships that will last are the ones that are flexible

Expectations

By this I mean both yours and the other person in the relationship. How realistic is it to have the expectation that your friend will always be available to you. As an adult time is limited; understanding is key here.

Curiosity

If a friendship has started to become uncomfortable. Perhaps reflect on times that you did something that you didn’t want to do just to please someone. Did it make you happy? That high fashion, eye wateringly expensive must have outfit that you wore once that you secretly hate. Did it make you happy? Or the time you went somewhere that you really didn’t want to go. Reflect on the friendship “Do I fit in here? Or do I truly belong?” (Brown Brene, 2121)

Different Connections

Recognising that not all friendships will be lifelong, deep and meaningful ones. That person you chat with in the gym that you can’t remember the name of and neither can they (you are both now called Mate!) offers something just as important – connection!

Communication

When friendships are based on assumptions around acceptable behaviour such as how often to check in, meet up, call etc this can lead to frustration and resentment. If you are unsure – have a conversation. Friendships where you belong will feel safe to be vulnerable in.

And finally, if you are struggling to find connections think back to 4-year-old you that bonded with another 4-year-old over that shared love of the slide or being in the same cub pack or dancing together.

Perhaps it is time to expand your circle. Often when we connect with our own selfcare needs and interests we naturally find those folk we belong with. If that sounds scary; that is ok. You can do it scared.

References –

Brene Brown (2021). Atlas of the Heart. New York Random House