Self Talk

How we talk to ourselves really matters!

This is a subject that comes up often in my therapy room, regardless of someone’s age, background, or situation. That pesky inner critic tends to pipe up at the most inopportune moments to remind us of all the ways we’re not good enough. It’s annoying, exhausting, and not at all helpful. And, more importantly — it’s not true. The good news? We can challenge that voice.

Why bother? Because if left unchecked, that internal critic can quietly chip away at our self-esteem, relationships, and general wellbeing.

A Personal Example

This morning, I was doing some weight training with a friend (not my favourite form of exercise, but it’s grudgingly growing on me!). She took a short video of me, and when she showed it back, my first thought was, "Urgh, who is that old person with wrinkly, chubby arms?”

Then came,

“The weight isn’t even heavy — you loser.”

And finally, for dessert,

“You’re supposed to be a therapist and you still talk to yourself like that? Maybe you shouldn’t be one!”

That’s when my inner coach stepped in: “Whoa… not cool.”

Breaking it down using the ABCDE model:

• A (Activating Event): I had the instinctive critical thought.

• B (Belief): I believed it unconditionally and added shame for even having the thought.

• C (Consequence): I felt rubbish about myself on several levels.

• D (Disputation): I reminded myself I’m human. These patterns are old — no wonder they pop up sometimes, and that’s okay.

• E (New Effect): I recognised the thought, treated myself with compassion, and moved on.

Notice I didn’t try to “fix” or argue with the thoughts straight away — just stopped shaming myself for having them. The goal is small, sustainable steps toward self-compassion.

Five Ways to Turn the Volume Down on Your Inner Critic

1. Hold the thought with compassion.

   When it first appears, resist telling yourself off for having it. Reflect on where it might have come from. We’re not born critical of ourselves — often, these patterns stem from early messages. Journaling can help explore this.

2. Text your thought to a friend (in theory).

   Open your phone, type the thought exactly as it came, and add “Dear [Friend’s Name].” Read it out loud. Would you send it? Of course not. So why speak to yourself that way?

3. Name the voice.

   Call it “The Inner Critic,” “Poison Parrot,” or “The Rat” — whatever fits. Naming it creates distance and reminds you you are not your thoughts.

4. Challenge and reframe.

   Ask: Is this thought helpful? Can I reframe it? Use your inner coach and apply the ABCDE steps to regain perspective.

5. Create a “Coach List.”

   Gather kind words and positive feedback you’ve received. Keep it somewhere visible (mine’s inside my bathroom cabinet!). Read it like a shopping list — you don’t have to believe it right away; repetition builds belief.

Changing the way we talk to ourselves isn’t easy, but it’s powerful. With awareness and practice, it can transform how we see ourselves.

Therapy can be a safe space to explore this and untangle where these voices come from.

If you’d like a free copy of my ABC–DE Self-Talk Worksheet, drop me an email at suzanne@waggcounselling.co.uk— I’ll happily send it over.